


Winter Song

by TLImela



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy Friendship, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anal Sex, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, College, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Get Along, Cynthia Murphy Is a Good Mother, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Good Parent Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), M/M, Oral Sex, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:22:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29478390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TLImela/pseuds/TLImela
Summary: Senior year of college. End of winter semester. Evan has a rough week. Connor wants to give him a nice day.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the deal: everyone is Jewish and everyone is LGBTQ. Just like in canon!

“Okay, so I, um, I actually really don’t like not being able to see where I’m—where I’m going.” Evan insists, as he is guided along the pathway, Connor’s hands wrapped firmly around his eyes. He hears the snow crunch, crunch, crunch beneath his boots, but he keeps expecting that any minute he is going to stumble on a fallen tree branch and face plant or else smack his face into something. “So maybe, uh, maybe I can at least see where I’m, um, where I’m going?”

“Except it’s a surprise, so no.” Connor responds, simply. Evan sighs. When Connor gets something in his head, he can be very, very stubborn. Picking up on Evan’s reluctance, Connor scoffs, gently, “What—you think I’m gonna run you into a wall or something?”

“No, not at all.” Evan amends, quickly. “I just don’t...”

“Oh, shit, a wall!” Connor exclaims, lurching Evan forward slightly. 

“Really?” Evan gasps, heart leaping in his chest, stopping in his tracks.

“No.” Connor retorts, before breaking into amused, soft laughter.

Evan places his hand to his chest, finally recapturing a normal heart rate again, huffing. “You can be a real dick sometimes, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know.” Connor agrees, but he still sounds pleased with himself. He then softens, giving Evan a quick, apologetic kiss to his temple. “Alright, calm down, we’re almost there, okay? Like, maybe five feet away…”

Evan dutifully continues his blind trek. It’s winter break of their senior year of college, and Evan had just finished his last final exam yesterday. Connor still had an art history paper to submit by tomorrow at midnight, but he swore that he was mostly done with it. Evan was going to check in with him later to make sure that mostly done actually means that it is truly more done than not, but he decided that today they were allowed a little time to relax together. Especially since Evan has been struggling a little bit more than usual lately. 

And he’s not sure why exactly his anxiety has been acting up so much, but—okay, maybe that’s a lie—it is finals after all, and those always stress him out some, and okay, then there’s the whole thing with his dad—not that he really cares that much about what his dad does, so he doesn’t actually know why that’s stressing him, exactly, but his mom saw on Facebook that his dad and stepmom just announced that they were having a new baby, and okay, why does that upset him so much, why should it upset him, it really doesn’t matter because he doesn’t see his dad anyway, so why should he care if he has a third half-sibling that barely knows about Evan’s existence, but who apparently gets to have the best, most loving, most attentive father in the world, according to his stepmom—

“Okay, okay, we’re here. Stop walking, there’s like, a wall for real this time, I’m not fucking with you.” Connor announces, releasing his hands from Evan’s eyes. “Um…surprise!”

Evan squints for a moment, his eyes adjusting to the light. He takes in his surroundings, before his heart drops into his stomach like a stone. This is an outdoor ice-skating rink. Evan has never been ice-skating in his life. He is definitely going to look like an idiot out there. He tries to reign in his nerves; he doesn’t want to make Connor feel bad. Connor has been an angel this past week; he’s been really sensitive to Evan’s poor mood and took it upon himself to take care of things around the apartment, he did the dishes every night, he picked up groceries, he made sure to get Evan his favorite coffee before class in the morning. Then today, he spontaneously grabbed Evan by the hand and told him to put down his book (it was a book on the history of the California redwoods, so it was kinda hard to put it down), because he was taking Evan on a surprise date. 

_“A—a surprise date?” Evan questioned, Connor still grasping his hand and pulling him off of the couch and up onto his feet. “And what’s the, uh, what’s the occasion?”_

_“What, I need an occasion to spoil you?” Connor asks, giving him a quick wink. Evan huffs inwardly, Connor thinks he’s so damn charming. Like, okay fine, he is, but still. Still. He’s also very self-aware of that fact, which is somewhat dangerous._

“You don’t like it.” Connor frowns, glancing down at him with intense, worried eyes.

“No!” Evan exclaims, hurriedly. “No, no, I love it, I love it, it’s a great surprise!”

Connor raises his eyebrows at him, knowingly, lips quirked to the side.

“Seriously, Connor, I love it. I’m excited. Look at me, I’m excited.” He loops his arm through his boyfriend’s and gives it a small squeeze. “It’s very thoughtful.”

Connor gives a soft laugh. “You are a terrible fucking liar.” He hesitates, before giving a small, self-conscious shrug. “I dunno…we’re out in nature. There are, like, trees around and shit. Doesn’t that normally, like, relax you or…fuck, I dunno…”

“Listen to me, it’s—it’s great, seriously.” Evan gives a small shrug, deciding its best to just be honest. “I just haven’t ever, um, I haven’t ever skated before so I was just taken aback, that’s all. But I’m—I’m excited to learn.” He gives a little smile and nudges Connor with his shoulder, playfully. “It’ll be fun to, uh, to have you teach me.”

“Oh…yeah.” Connor’s face suddenly gets that faraway look that it has when he’s getting way too much into his own head. His mitten hands fidget as he nods his head, “Right. Um…yeah, okay, right. Me teaching you…that would make sense.”

“Hey,” Evan squeezes him close again, trying to pull him out of his thoughts. He didn’t mean to mess this up; it really is a super sweet gesture. “Hey, come back to earth, Connor.” 

Connor glances down at him…and wow. He’s just such a beautiful person. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve known each other, there are always these little moments where Evan is just completely taken aback and knocked breathless. Connor is wearing a black beanie, but his long brown curls are still peeking out underneath. His eyes are a sharp, ice blue, except for half of the left iris, which is a deep mocha color. Heterochromia, or magic eyes, as Connor calls them. And his face is just…it’s just really pretty. There’s really no other way to describe it.

“Hey.” Connor grins, leaning down to kiss Evan’s cold, pink nose. “Sorry, I was just thinking—no, it’ll be good. It’ll be fun. C’mon, let’s get in there. You deserve a good day.”

_And Connor knows how important good days are. Connor used to not have nearly enough of them. It was a long, long road to get Connor feeling this stable again. Right now, he’s on a combo of medications that are working for him. That has made a huge difference, and Evan is really, really thankful for it, for Connor’s sake. It doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have bad days, of course. He’s always going to have bad days. But bad days now aren’t what they were before._

_But sometimes the past still comes back to haunt him, and sometimes when he stays too long in his head, Connor will get scared that maybe these meds aren’t always going to work this well, and if that happens then he’s going to fall right back into the abyss._

_“I just—they don’t always work the same forever.” Connor explains, sitting up in bed, the wool blankets pulled up to his waist. He leans back against the headboard, anxiously. “Right? I mean, that’s happened to me before, you know? It works until…it doesn’t. And I guess…I don’t know, it just worries me this time around because these are really, really working for me, and…for so long, you know, nothing was, or at least not this good…and I mean, fuck, you already know, I don’t even know why I’m explaining it to you…”_

_Evan remembers. He’s seen Connor at his lowest. He’s seen Connor scream obscenities and insults into his face, red-faced and trembling. He’s seen Connor lying on the couch for days, unable to move even to eat or shower. He’s seen Connor grow paranoid and agitated over slights that didn’t exist outside of his racing mind. He’s had moments where he’s had to call Connor’s parents and Zoe for help, when some things were just too much for him to handle alone, when he needed the extra love and support to back him up. When sometimes Connor’s mom was still the only person in the world who could get through to him. Evan remembers all of that, yes, but he also remembers that he never stopped loving Connor during any of it, not once, not even for a second. He remembers how long it took for Connor to accept that love into his life. And he knows how in moments like these, in these moments of self-doubt, how hard it can still be for Connor to remember that he’s allowed to accept it._

_“Hey,” Evan says, climbing into bed next to him and taking him by the hand. “If they stop working, then we just—we just make sure that we get ones that do work again.”_

_Connor scoffs, worriedly. He runs his thumb lovingly over Evan’s, in an attempt to soothe himself. “Yeah, and that’s always so much fun.”_

_”No, it sucks, I know.” Evan agrees, empathetically, examining Connor’s slender fingers, his freshly painted nails. “I mean—I mean, I don’t know. I know I don’t know, like, completely, obviously. But what I do know is that I’m…here now. And you know I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Connor smiles, despite himself, and Evan continues, pleased that his words are getting through, connecting. “And—and I know you. And I know I’ve seen how—how proactive you’ve become. Like, um, like how you still went to your therapy appointment today, and, and I know you didn’t really feel like it. And after class on Tuesday, you wrote in your, um, you wrote a lot in your mood journal, even though, I know—I know you’re always tired after Tuesday classes, because you have that, um, you have that eight am class that you always sleep through.” Connor laughs now, and Evan pushes forward, heart-warming in his chest. “What I’m trying to say, Connor, is that you aren’t—you aren’t going to go back, to, to, you know, to square one, because you—you understand so much more than, um, more than you did back then. And so do I, for that matter. And so does Zoe. And your mom. And your dad. And we’re all gonna support you, even if you, you know, you have some, um, some really bad days along the way. Well…especially then.”_

_Connor nods slowly, head falling down towards his chest, obviously getting emotional. Evan’s heart swells in his chest for him. Connor’s such a strong person, honestly. Evan loves him. Wow, he just—he just really, really loves him, all of him, the great parts, the tough parts, the parts Connor always thinks he needs to hide. It all makes up the different parts of his Connor…and that—well, and that person is pretty great, in Evan’s opinion._

_“Also—also,” Evan adds, hurriedly, importantly. “I mean, I mean, these meds are working really well. So let’s just…let’s just try not to get caught up in, in worrying about what may or—or may not happen in the future, right? Like, these meds are working. That’s—that’s a good thing. That’s something we don’t have to, to like, get all in our heads about, you know?”_

_Connor blinks back tears and bites his bottom lip. He pinches his nose and tries to clear his throat. “Ahhh. Yeah, have I ever told you how fucking grateful I am for you?”_

_“You have.” Evan lifts his free hand to gently brush away some of the fallen tears. He slides in a little closer, voice soft as he adds, “But I also like hearing it.”_

_Connor releases a choked laugh, drawing his hand away from Evan’s grasp in order to cup Evan’s face with both hands. He strokes Evan’s face tenderly with his thumb, and Evan absolutely melts into the touch._

_“Right, well…” Connor leans forward and presses his lips to Evan’s, soft, needy, mouth warmly working him over, making his heart pitter-patter inside of his chest. Connor slowly pulls away, eyes sparkling and hooded with affection. “…I’m very fucking grateful.”_

Evan nervously grabs the handrail as he unsteadily tries to walk with his ice skates out onto the rink. His legs wobble dangerously; he already knows he’s going to fall flat on his butt. He turns back to Connor for help, but he’s also hanging pretty close to the handrail himself.

Evan holds out his arm for Connor to take, “Hold me up?”

Connor smiles warmly at him, that soft look shining in his eyes, as he loops his arm into Evan’s and pulls him in tight. Evan always fits really snuggly against this shoulder, always feeling so safe and secure in his grasp. “Yeah, yeah, of course, I got you…”

But Connor no more than takes hold of Evan before he is slipping too, and together they fall backwards. Connor grabs onto Evan in order to take the brunt of the fall, as they skid across the ice before coming to a stop. Evan feels his cheeks turn pink, he can’t believe he knocked them both over. That’s—that’s kinda embarrassing. That’s like—that’s like a level of uncoordinated that not even Evan knew he possessed.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry—” Connor begins, but Evan cuts him off.

“No, no, I’m just—really, really bad at this, obviously—”

“No, it’s not you, Evan, I’m—”

“No, no, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’s not your fault—”

“I’ve never gone ice skating before.” Connor blurts out, his lips quirking to the side, crookedly. He sighs, as if he’s owning up to some huge mistake he’s just realized he’s committed. “This is—this is my first time, um…too.”

Evan blinks at him confused. But you…took me to an ice skating rink? Evan tips his head to the side, curiously. “Um…then why…?”

“It sounded…um, it sounded romantic in my…head?” Connor says, tentatively, the words coming out slowly as if he also realizes how ridiculous they sound. 

_Connor always calls himself the boy from another planet. He gets weird ideas that sometimes only make sense in what he calls his ‘alien brain’. Evan likes Connor’s alien brain. It’s what makes him artistic and a dreamer and how he uses such vibrant, striking colors whenever he brings his paintings to life. It’s also what made them friends for the first time._

_Evan will never forget the day he and Connor first spoke, first really spoke to each other in the computer lab after school, the first day of senior year. Evan was coming off the worst summer of his life, reeling from a failed suicide attempt and barely hanging on. He hadn’t known it at the time, but Connor was going through the same stuff himself. But it was Connor who first decided to reach out his hand, who found Evan when he was broken and hopeless on the ground._

_Connor offered to sign the cast of his broken arm when no one else would. And it was his alien brain that wrote CONNOR in big, scrawling block letters, taking up the entire space of the bandages. Why, Evan had wondered? Why’d he do it like that?_

_Connor later told him he wanted Evan to see Connor’s name whenever he looked at the cast, and he wanted everyone else at school to see it too. Because Connor wanted to feel seen. Because he knew how much Evan wanted to feel seen too. Because now it meant that maybe they both had found a friend. And five years later, here they are. So, yeah, alien brains can be good too._

“It sounded romantic in your head?” Evan repeats, still trying to figure this one out.

“I guess I was just trying to picture, I don’t know, what’s super fucking romantic and also a winter activity, and like, then I didn’t exactly think about the logistics, I guess…” Connor gives a small, sheepish smile. “And I’m…you know, I’m me. Does that also answer the question?”

“Mmmmm. Yeah, it actually does, you know?” Evan teases, playfully.

Connor laughs, his real laugh, where his eyes squint with mirth and his nose gets all scrunchy. “Okay, well…glad we cleared that one up.”

Evan laughs too, his heart melting in his chest. Sweet boy. He gives a small grin, reaching over to pat Connor’s knee, reassuringly. “I’m actually glad though. Now I feel less, um, less pressure to not completely suck at this. Because, um, because you know…”

“Because I really suck too.” Connor nods, and they both break out laughing again. 

They spend the rest of the time slipping around while gripping to the handrails, skating a few feet before falling again, and just a lot of time laughing on the ice. In some weird way, it actually is the perfect date idea, because all of the laughter is releasing some of the tension and anxiety that Evan has been bottling up inside of him this past week.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all of your sweet comments and kudos, everyone! I'm really, really excited for this story, and everyone's support just fuels me to keep going. I really wanted to write a DEH story that was sweet, but also didn't sugarcoat a lot of the heavy DEH issues of mental health and learning self-love.
> 
> That being said, I hope you like this week’s chapter! Please let me know what you think!

_Evan wakes up in the middle of the night, legs twisted in the covers, heart racing a thousand miles per hour. He’s gasping for air, fingers clawing at his chest, he always feels like he’s on the precipice of death as his lungs are squeezed against him._

_“What the fuck…” He hears Connor mumble, half-awake. He rolls over and blinks his eyes open, blearily, before taking in what is happening. His eyes go wide as he pushes himself up into a sitting position, one hand braced against Evan’s shoulders and the other secured against the front of his chest. “Evan…Evan…it’s okay. It’s okay. I got you. Just breathe with me, alright? Breathe in…and back out. Follow my pace, follow my pace. In…and out. In…and out.”_

_Evan tries to gulp in air as he breathes in tandem with Connor. As they breathe together, Connor gently rubs soothing circles into the front of Evan’s chest. Eventually, Evan feels his white-hot panic start to subside; he is finally getting air back into his trembling lungs._

_“Let me get you some water…” Connor mutters, stumbling out of bed, still sleepy-brained as he runs out to the kitchen. When he returns, he carefully climbs back into bed and hands the cup to Evan. When Evan takes it from him, he feels a pang of warmth in his heart; Connor gave him his ‘Smash the Patriarchy’ mug. That’s Connor’s favorite. He always drinks from it whenever he needs to feel particularly brave that day. Evan drinks it down, gratefully, before placing it over onto the nightstand._

_“Bad dream?” Connor wonders, now rubbing comforting circles against his back._

_“No.” Evan shakes his head, wondering how much of his problems he should burden Connor with. Connor has enough on his own plate without Evan also piling things onto it._

_Connor seems to pick up on this hesitation and uses his other hand to tip Evan’s head towards him, so that they are now looking each other in the eyes. “Hey.” Connor wets his lips, uncertainly. “You have to tell me.”_

_“I…I have to tell you?” Evan wonders, sniffling a little from the aftermath of the panic attack. He always seems to cry after the flood of panic dissipates. It’s kinda embarrassing._

_“Yes.” Connor gives a firm nod of his head. He gets his teasing voice, obviously trying to lighten Evan’s mood and cajole the truth out of him. “Because you know, you already did wake me up, and I was actually having a really good fucking dream too. I was fucking—”_

_“You were what?” Evan demands, chuckling a little as he wipes his eyes with the palm of his hand. “It was what kind of dream? Sorry, should I be jealous or something?”_

_“What? I was—oh my god, no, weirdo, I was fucking lead drummer for Nirvana. Not—not fucking.” Connor blushes, shaking his head as if to clear it. He quirks his lips to the side, as if taken aback by Evan’s remark. “You know, that sounded like something Jared would say. He’s a bad influence on you; obviously we shouldn’t talk to him anymore.”_

_Evan chuckles again. Every now and then Connor would point out reasons why they ‘obviously shouldn’t talk to Jared anymore.’ And he was only ever half-joking when he said it. Still, something about the exchange loosened Evan up enough to feel a little braver to share._

_“I’ve just been really, um, really not in such a good place since yesterday.” Evan admits, and he feels the tears start to press against the corners of his eyes again. He fidgets with the blanket, brain still racing as he grapples with trying to find the right words, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my, uh, about my dad, I guess…”_

_Connor’s face darkens as he gives a small nod of his head. Connor knows about Evan’s dad. He never brings him up unless Evan does first, but they’ve had a few conversations in the past about him, about Evan’s feelings of abandonment, about how Evan always can’t fully shake that dark, nagging feeling that eventually everyone is going to leave him, Connor included. Evan’s trying to be better about that last part. He knows as much as he’s pushed Connor to allow himself to accept love, Evan needs to do the same. Still, brains are hard to rewire._

_“My mom saw on Facebook that’s he’s, um, that he and my stepmom are having another, another…” Evan sniffles, bringing his palm up to press against his eyes, to stem the embarrassing flow of tears. “…shit, I don’t know why I even care—”_

_“Because that fucking hurts.” Connor insists, wrapping his arms around Evan and pulling him in so that he’s pressed snuggly up against Connor’s lean chest. His heart drums reliably against Evan’s ear…boom, boom, boom, boom. “I get it. I get it.”_

_“And, um, yeah, and finals are this week, and I have that stupid senior presentation to give and—and you know, you know how much I hate presentations…” Evan continues, and he feels like he is almost rambling now, he is speaking so quickly. “…and two other papers that are due, and I just fell so far behind on everything, because I’ve just been putting it off, because, I don’t know, I just feel, like, frozen or something. Like I just stare at my computer screen and I’m like, come on, Evan. Time to write. Time to do your work. And just, like, like NOTHING…”_

_“Shhh, hey.” Connor whispers, running his hands soothingly over Evan’s back, again and again, in almost a rhythmic motion. “Two papers? That’s not so bad. We can take a look at them both tomorrow, together. Yeah, yeah, we can get iced coffees and just, like, just go to the library and work and shit until you’re completely done. I have shit I can do too.”_

_God, Connor was way, way too good to him. Evan buries his face further into his chest, his tears seeping into the white undershirt that Connor wore to bed._

_“Yeah, and you can practice your senior presentation in front of me. I’ll be, like, I’ll be a total fucking dick and ask impossible questions and shit.” Connor continues, helpfully. “That way the real one won’t be nearly as bad, right?”_

_Evan goes silent for a moment, mulling this over. He knows why Connor doesn’t offer a solution to his problems with his dad. They’re too big to fix right now. Evan is just—just too messy to fix. And yes, he knows, he knows he’s not supposed to think like that, but sometimes it’s just really, really hard not to. Especially on nights like tonight._

_“And then I feel bad because, I hate—I hate dumping all of this stuff on you.” Evan shakes his head, ruefully. “I know you’ll just say it isn’t true, I know, it’s all in my head, I know, I know, but sometimes I feel like—well, I just don’t want to be your mess, you know…?”_

_“My what?” Connor scoffs, glancing down at Evan in disbelief. “You’re my mess?” He chuckles, gently. “Evan, c’mon now, we both know I’m the fucking mess of this relationship.”_

_“Well, I don’t feel that way.” Evan states, firmly._

_Connor goes silent, thoughtful. “Yeah, I know.” He lies back down against the pillow, pulling Evan with him, until he is lying flat against Connor’s prone chest. His heartbeat still drums steadily, unfailingly…boom, boom, boom, boom. “But I want you to be able to share with me when you’re not doing good, okay? I mean, fuck, after everything you’ve done for me? Do you honestly think I wouldn’t do anything, and I mean fucking anything, for you too?”_

_Evan feels that soft, warm sunshine start to seep back into the gloom in his brain. He nuzzles his nose against Connor’s chest. “Have I told you how much I—how much I love you?”  
“You have.” Connor admits, playfully. “But I also like hearing it.”_

_Evan pushes himself up a little more so that he and Connor are now face to face. And god, he’s so damn pretty. His eyes are always so intense, his nose so kissable, his lips nice and full and pink, his jawline strong, but the rest of his features so, so soft and delicate somehow._

_“Well, yeah, so, um, so I love you.” Evan smiles, softly, before kissing the tip of Connor’s nose. “Like, a lot…” They stare at each other for a moment after that, Evan watching closely as Connor’s eyes get that hyper-fixated, intense look in them, his lips parting subconsciously. Evan feels an interested pang hit his gut; it’s such a turn on whenever Connor looks at him like…like that. Evan cranes his neck up to press his lips into Connor’s, drinking him down slowly, languidly, as Connor brings his arms up to tighten around Evan’s back. Mmmm. And Evan feels like absolutely melting, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss, interested pang growing more heated as he feels Connor’s tongue move to explore him._

_They continue to move like this, mouths meshing together more heatedly and more eagerly with each passing moment, Connor’s breathy little gasps and mewls hitting something deep inside of Evan every time. Evan’s hips give a little experimental twitch; his hands moving up to grip onto Connor’s beautiful long hair. It’s so, so insanely soft and Evan likes to tug at the curls, likes giving them a light pull as he worries Connor’s bottom lip between his teeth._

_“Fuck…” Connor gasps, and he pulls away from the kiss, leaning his head back against the pillow. His hair is a little mussed now, curls falling into his eyes, and Evan just wants to start kissing him again. “Okay, if we just want to snuggle and fall asleep, then we should slow down.”_

_“And if we don’t?” Evan challenges, continuing to nuzzle and nip at Connor’s neck. And Connor has such a nice neck too. He presses a gentle kiss to Connor’s prominent Adam’s apple, feels his heavy, excited swallow beneath his lips._

_“I don’t know…it’s three am, we have class later today, those seem like things you usually fucking care about.” Connor explains, meeting Evan’s lips again and again, before murmuring, “But hey, if you’re good with it, then I am really, really fucking good with it…”_

_“Yeah. I want to make up for ruining your sex dream…” Evan teases, as he starts to run his hand up beneath Connor’s undershirt, pleased when he feels him shudder at the touch.  
_

_“Oh, shut up, and c’mere.” Connor laughs, softly, pulling Evan more securely into his grasp. “And just for the record, I love you too. Like…a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot…”_

After they are finished ice skating, a little sore and bruised but none the worse-for-wear, Connor buys them both hot chocolate from a vendor at the rink. Evan wanted to buy his own, but Connor insisted it was still his turn to spoil Evan. Which is totally fake, because it’s been Connor’s turn to spoil Evan since senior year of high school.

_But they had a falling out towards the end of high school and didn’t reconnect again until sophomore year of college, when Evan transferred in to Connor’s university by chance. It was then that their friendship shifted into something more romantic. So that restarted the whole whose turn it was to spoil who, Connor insisted. Which still doesn’t make any sense, but okay._

“Your hot chocolate, love.” Connor says, smiling that ridiculously charming smile that is so easy and so laid-back and paired with this look that’s just so, so frustratingly heart-melting.

“Aww, thank you.” Evan smiles, lightly touching Connor’s arm with his hand. Connor looks very pleased with himself, which makes Evan pleased in return. He takes a sip of his hot chocolate, feels it warm his insides, as they make their way towards a park bench.

“I’m glad it snowed last night.” Connor says as they sit side-by-side, hot chocolate in hand. “It makes it even more, you know, more romantic, doesn’t it?”

“It does—” Evan is interrupted by the sudden, incessant buzzing of his cellphone. He pulls it out to check who’s calling…it’s Jared, trying to FaceTime him. He can practically feel Connor rolling his eyes next to him. “Don’t be mad, I need to take this.”

“Um, and why is that exactly?”

Evan sighs. Connor isn’t weird at all about Evan having friends of his own. He’s not jealous or possessive or anything like that. He just really, really hates Jared. And to be fair to Connor, Jared and Connor do have history. But like…high school history, so maybe they both could just work on…letting it go? Like, Evan knows Jared was kinda a dick to Connor back then, but he’s not so much of a dick now. Although that’s totally a conversation for another day, Evan concedes. Definitely not something to fix right now, not with Jared blowing up Evan’s phone.

“He’s, um, he’s seeing this guy, you know David Moskowitz, from his university’s Jewish Community Center? You met him once in the parking lot last year, when Jared was giving me a ride to my mom’s for the weekend, but you needed to stay because you, um, you had that art thing you needed to work on, you—you don’t remember? Okay, fine. But it’s getting kinda, kinda serious now, and he’s barely out to his parents and he’s, um, you know, he’s very needy right now.” Evan explains, hurriedly, as he slides his finger to answer it. “Hello?”

“Which nights of Hanukkah are you planning on coming over to my parents?” Jared asks, and he sounds really, really stressed. This call is definitely about what Evan suspected.

“Um, which nights—I don’t know, I’m planning on spending some nights with the Murphy’s, of course, so I really have to talk to them first…” Evan begins, hurriedly.

“Oh my god, well can you figure that out already, asshole? I already invited David and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking—because now I need you there the same night.” 

“Um, the fuck, why…?” Connor whispers, just staying enough out of the FaceTime visual range so that Jared can’t see him. Evan waves his hand at him to keep it down.

“Me? Why do you need, um, why do you need me there the same night as, as David?”

“Because my dad loves you for some fucking reason and I want you to be your proudly out and nerdy gay self so that it takes some of the pressure off of me.” Jared explains, as if any of that actually makes any sense.

“He called you gay, that’s bi-erasure…” Connor whispers, insistently into Evan’s ear.

“Shut up…” Evan hisses, trying to cover the phone with his mitten.

“Um, excuse me?!” Jared demands, offended.

“No, no, not you…Connor’s here too. I’m telling him to shut up.”

“Oh.” Jared sounds as enthusiastic about Connor’s presence as Connor does about his. “Well, hey, perfect, I actually want him there too.”

“Fuck no…” Connor insists, emphatically, eyes telling Evan that he definitely does not want to be part of whatever the hell family drama is happening between Jared and his parents.

“Connor? You, um, you want Connor to come with me to your parents?”

“Yeah, he’ll make David look great in comparison…”

“Okay, okay, okay, let’s not.” Evan says, hurriedly, trying to avoid any problems. He knows he’s a couple of poorly timed Jared jokes away from really asking just too much of poor Connor. “So which days, right, that’s um, that’s what you’re asking me…?”

“Yes, Evan, that’s what I’m asking you!” He throws up an arm, frustrated. “Look, David really wants to meet my parents, he says we’ve been together way too long for it to have not happened yet, and now it just feels like I’m hiding him or something…”

There’s a moment of silence, where Jared seems to be mulling something painful but necessary over and over again in his head. He hesitates only a second longer, before speaking.

“Look, I actually do want Connor there; I’m not fucking with you guys about that. I mean, if we do this together, then maybe it won’t be so...so, I don’t know, so fucking weird and awful, right?” Jared stumbles, and for a moment, Evan sees through to the real vulnerability. Jared sucks in a deep breath, and Evan knows how hard this is for him to say, knows how hard it is for him to ask for help. “So…so, Connor, um, I know how much you love Evan, and he’s, well, he’s my friend, and so you should be nice to his friends and, and um…and come over?”

Evan feels an empathetic pang in his heart. Jared really likes this guy, he can tell. But he’s also really, really scared and he needs Evan to help him get through it.

Evan covers up the phone with his mitten and turns to Connor. “Please.”

“Fuck no…no, Evan, no fucking way …”

Evan desperately tilts his head to the side, eyes pleading. “This was hard for him to ask.” 

“You want me at the Kleinmans?” Connor demands, incredulously. “Really?”

“His parents are actually really nice.”

“Oh, except they hate queer people?!”

“They don’t…they don’t hate queer people.” Evan shrugs, hurriedly. “They just…they just are having a difficult time adjusting to their, um, you know the idea that their son is one."

“Oh, yeah, that sounds like a fucking lovely evening.” Connor scoffs, rolling his eyes. “That’s not going to be fucking awkward at all…”

“Please, you’re doing it for me.” Evan grabs Connor’s mitten-hand, squeezes it lovingly. 

Evan thinks about everything he and Jared have been through over the years, thinks about how they practically grew up together. Thinks about how it almost all fell apart, thinks about how now they finally feel like they understand each other again. Thinks about how, in hindsight, it was Jared who was always there for Evan whenever he was freaking out at school, how he’d help Evan breathe again after English-presentation induced panic attacks, how he’d sometimes be the only person in the world back then that Evan could talk to. And now Jared’s taking steps to finally open up to Evan again, and this just seems like it’s a really defining moment in that journey, and Evan doesn’t ever want to be the person who seems like he doesn’t care ever again. 

“Look, this is a big step for him. And I just wanna, I just wanna support him, you know?”

Connor frowns, and Evan knows he’s having an internal argument in his head. Evan continues to look up at him with big, pleading blue eyes. There are a few more moments of silence before Connor sighs, heavily, giving a small shake of his head, the argument finally resolving. “Okay, okay, fine. Fine. One night. I’ll give you one fucking night.” Connor touches his nose, small self-depreciating grin finally quirking across his lips. “But you are really, really lucky that you’re so fucking cute, you know that?”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Evan breathes out, giving Connor a quick kiss on the cheek. He uncovers the FaceTime video, sees Jared peering unamused at Evan through the lens of his horn-rimmed glasses.

“Well…?” Jared demands, impatiently. “Are you two assholes done?”

“Yes, we—we’ll both be there.” Evan explains, giving a small, encouraging smile. Because friends support each other, and that’s what they are to each other, that’s what they’ve always been, and they’re finally saying it again. “We’ll check with Connor’s parents on the, on the dates, but we’ll, um, we’ll definitely be there whatever night David comes over.”

There’s a beat of silence as Evan’s words fully sink in. Jared blinks, and Evan knows he’s touched by the gesture.

“Oh, okay.” Jared clears his throat, uncomfortably. “Thanks. Really. Both of you.” He gives a quick nod of his head, trying to shake off the sudden awkwardness that the vulnerability brings. “Okay, well, I’ll let you two get back to whatever. Connor, you can thank me later for the blow job I’m sure you’re getting out of this.”

“BYE!” Evan shouts, hanging up before anything else can be said. He turns to Connor, quickly, words spilling out of his mouth at rapid-fire rate, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Connor, you’re an angel, you’re the best, you’re just—you know, and I will—I will find a way to make it up to you, um, but I mean, not with a, not with a, um, blow job, obviously, because, um, because you know I like giving you those anyway, obviously, so you don’t have to do anything, um, anything special—anything special for that…”

Connor has been watching him pretty straight faced up until that moment, but now he’s laughing again, in all his nose-scrunching, real laugh glory. “Hey, I mean, it is a way to make it up to me though, right…”

“Really?” Evan asks, cheeks blushing furiously. “That’s what’ll make us even? But, but I would’ve done that anyway, so, um, so that’s not very…”

Connor laughs again, squeezing Evan’s hand, affectionately. “No, not really, come on. Also, I’m pretty sure we’re even for, like, for decades after everything.” Connor gives him a serious look, before nudging Evan playfully with his shoulder. “Who the fuck willingly wants to spend the holidays with Jared Kleinman though, that’s the real question?”

“Who, David?” Evan continues to sip at his hot chocolate, needing the warmth again. Sitting on the bench for so long is starting to make him a little chilled. “He’s actually, uh, he’s actually a really nice guy. I think you’d like him, honestly. He’s kinda quiet and he’s, uh, he’s smart. I think he’s studying to be an, um, an engineer or something. And he’s—he’s really good to Jared too.” Evan gives a small shrug, thoughtfully. “I don’t know, I, um, I kinda hope it works out, actually. Jared gets in his own way a lot though.”

“Yeah…yeah, that’s always the tough part.” Connor agrees, softly, drinking more of his hot chocolate, gaze looking a little far away.

Evan quirks his lips to the side, watching Connor’s pensive face. Getting in the way of your own happiness. Connor and Evan both know that all too well. And maybe that’s what Evan’s doing right now, worrying so much about his father’s new baby. It just hurts to think about the fact that the problem was never that his father didn’t want a family, or—or kids or whatever else, it was just that he didn’t want Evan. And like, okay, Evan knows that’s a thought he should be challenging, according to Dr. Sherman, and he does challenge it now, he does, but this news just kind of set him back a little. It’s just hard to believe that there really won’t ever be a day when Connor doesn’t eventually realize he doesn’t need Evan’s extra mess in his life. Like, he knows that’s just his brain being stupid, but his dad’s situation is really messing him up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: references to past self-harm and suicide attempts in this chapter

“Done with your drink?” Connor asks, after a few more moments of quiet.

Evan nods and hands it to him; Connor goes and throws both cups into the recycle bin set up a few feet away from them. 

When he returns, he holds out his arm for Evan to take. “Wanna walk around a little bit? We can look at, like, trees and shit.”

Evan smiles and pushes himself up onto his feet. He takes Connor’s outstretched arm, once again fitting snuggly against his shoulder. And Evan knows he’s kind of a short guy anyway, but next to Connor he somehow always feels extra small. Like, Connor is pretty tall, admittedly, but it’s also just the way Connor treats him. As if Evan’s the tiniest pinecone on the branch or something. It’s hard to put it into words exactly, but it’s just very endearing.

They walk quietly together, their boots crunch, crunch, crunching the snow, as they stroll down the wintery path together. They are both quiet people by nature, and extended moments of silence never bother them. That’s something they’ve both always appreciated about each other. And Connor is right, there are a lot of fantastic trees down this pathway…Evan sees oaks, and sycamores, and birches, and of course, the beautiful, beautiful winter pines. Even in the darkest, depth of winter the pine tree stays evergreen, ever hopeful of a returning spring. It has started snowing again, the little flakes falling from the heavens and dusting the ground below.

“So this is it, huh?” Connor says, breath coming out in foggy puffs into the cold air. He glances down at Evan, knowingly. “Next semester is the last one.”

“Yes, it is.” Evan nods, feeling a little nervous at thoughts of an unknown future. One concrete plan pops into his brain, however, and he decides to ask about it, “Hey, did you talk to your boss yet about maybe moving to fulltime after graduation?”

“Not yet.” Connor admits, a little anxiously. He fidgets under Evan’s concerned gaze, before sighing, “Don’t hate me, I meant to do it on Friday, I just didn’t—didn’t get around to it.”

Evan tilts his head to the side uncertainly; he feels a little prickly inside at that response. Connor was supposed to talk to his boss about moving to fulltime since the beginning of this week. He keeps putting it off though, and Evan’s not sure if it just has to do with anxiety or if there’s some other reason that Connor isn’t telling him about.

Connor has been working part-time at the same local, independently owned grocery store since sophomore year of college to help offset the costs of living. Connor could just rely on his parents for money, but he’s Connor and he has some kind of anti-wealth, pro-working class political ideations, and so he insists on doing it all himself. Well, part of him and Evan doing it all themselves means that Connor needs to make sure he’s getting steady work. And he has been, he’s been doing really well at the grocery store. It’s relatively low-stress, and so a good environment for him, and his coworkers all really like him too. His boss is also really cool and she understands Connor’s need for flexibility with doctor’s appointments and therapy, and so Evan definitely, definitely thinks it’s a good idea for Connor to stay there. It also gives Connor much more time to focus on his real passion, his art. After graduation, Connor is allegedly going to start selling his art on Etsy and Redbubble…allegedly, because Evan knows how protective and defensive Connor can get about his artwork, and so putting it out there for others to see is definitely something Evan is going to have to continually push him on.

“Okay.” Evan decides to let it go, he doesn’t want to start a disagreement over it right now. He knows from personal experience that anxiety can really make it hard to advocate for yourself. He just hopes it isn’t something else. He just hopes that by now Connor would feel comfortable enough to tell him if it was. “I know you’ve liked it there though.”

“I know, I know, and I want to stay there.” Connor agrees, hurriedly. “And I know part-time doesn’t make enough money to support us both long-term, even if we’re lucky and you do find a job right after graduation. I’m going to talk to her, I am. Maybe, maybe Monday, okay?”

“Okay, that sounds like a plan.” Evan nods, encouragingly. He squeezes Connor’s arm and leans his head against his shoulder. “I know asking can feel weird, but, but, um, but you’ll do great. Maureen already loves you, you know. Last time that I was there to, to visit, she said that you were—that you were a great worker and that you, um, that you were really funny and always get everyone, everyone laughing.”

Connor gives a small smile in response to Evan’s words, but remains silent. They continue their hushed walk in the woods, arm-in-arm, and before long they come to a small grove that is filled with pine trees. There are also many little chickadees in the pines, flitting from branch to branch, chirping and singing to each other.

“Evan, Evan, look!” Connor whispers, breathlessly, pointing at the birds, and Evan feels his heart melt a little. “So fucking cool.”

And god, Connor’s such a gentle, pure soul, isn’t he?

Evan glances up at the sweet tranquility of Connor’s face, watches as he quietly observes the little birds. It makes him think of more than professional aspirations once they graduate, it also makes him think of their personal future together as well.

_“Holy shit…fuck…” Connor gasps, pupils blown wide with the aftershocks of pleasure. Evan continues to kiss his face, his neck, his flushed chest, coming down from the intense high of his own release. Evan’s still buried deep inside of Connor, but quickly softening, and so he pulls out and rolls over onto his back, muscles still giving little tremors and pleasant spasms._

_“Fuck.” Connor mumbles again, sounding completely dazed. He runs his fingers through his hair; it’s splayed out all around his pillow like a crooked halo. “Fuuuuck…”_

_Evan smiles to himself, a little proud. The more Connor drops f-bombs during and after sex, the more it means that Evan did a particularly good job that night._

_Connor turns to face him, still breathless, long curls mussed and sticking to his softly perspiring face. “That was…you were…oh my….fuck….”_

_Evan chuckles, pleased, nestling comfortably into Connor’s warm embrace. Connor’s heartrate is still racing, but it’s starting to slowly come back down to earth. “Well, um, well you’re…” He blushes, feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the sudden intensity of his emotions. “…you’re pretty amazing too, you—you know?”_

_There’s a moment of hushed silence, and Connor is just stroking Evan’s messy hair, their breathing growing quieter and more regulated as they continue to hold each other close._

_“I wanna have a baby.” Connor murmurs, eyes hyper-fixating and intense as he stares up at the ceiling, voice sounding faraway but adamant. “Should we have a baby?”_

_Evan sighs, endearingly. This is Connor’s alien brain talking. It makes sense to him, somehow. Evan decides to indulge him. “You want to raise a child together? Right now?”_

_“Yes. I want a little boy. Or a little girl. Or a little non-binary child. It doesn’t matter, we won’t know their gender for sure anyway until they tell us.” Connor continues, insistently._

_“True.” Evan agrees, craning his neck to nuzzle his nose into Connor’s beautiful throat. He feels the tip of his nose smooshing gently against Connor’s Adam’s apple. He can feel every breath, every swallow, every soft vibration in his light voice from here._

_“And I wanna buy you, um, buy you a house.” Connor adds, alien brain clearly having many exciting and fantastical thoughts now. “And we’ll have two dogs…wait, are we dog people? Maybe two cats? And you’ll have your own home office, for your—for your writing, and I’ll put together your desk, and I’ll buy you a lamp, and—and our kid will be just like you, they’ll be so sweet and just so, so fucking adorable and they’ll definitely wear striped polo shirts, but maybe they’ll paint their nails like me, and we’ll let them express themselves regardless of gender norms, and you’ll be just the best fucking dad in the whole fucking world, oh my god…”_

_Evan feels himself stiffen beneath Connor’s touch. The best dad in the world. And all of the beautiful things that Connor is saying to him right now suddenly ring so hollow. Because how the hell can Evan be the best dad in the world when he’s never even had a dad himself, when he’s never known or even experienced the first thing about fatherhood?_

_“Hey…” Connor says, seeming to realize that he said the wrong thing. “Hey, are you, um, are you okay? Did I just…did I just fuck up? I just fucked up, didn’t I?”_

_“No, no you didn’t. You’re being amazingly sweet, honestly.” Evan reassures him, quickly. He hesitates a moment, before sighing, sadly. “I just, um, I just always have a hard time picturing…um, picturing me as a—as a dad? Because…I don’t know, do I, um, do I know how to be a dad? Do I know how to, how to be a good one? I never knew one, so, so how would I, um, how would I know? Yeah, um, so I guess I just don’t really—really picture it very much.”_

_“Well, you have my dad.” Connor adds, helpfully. “He certainly thinks you’re his son.”_

_“Yes, I know, and I appreciate that, and, and you know how much I love your father, but, but…” Evan gives a small, unhappy shrug. “…but it’s still not the same, you know?”_

_Connor goes completely silent, and Evan knows he is also going deep inside of his own head. Which is never a great thing, so now Evan feels like he’s the one who messed up. When Connor finally speaks, his voice is low and thoughtful, “Yeah. Yeah, I actually…I actually don’t know if I’d be such a, um, such a great dad either. I mean, I mean I know I have a good dad, and I also know—well, I know a lot of the ways that I’d improve upon how he raised me, so that we could avoid a lot of the problems that my dad and I have struggled with, but…” Connor taps one finger to the side of his head, worriedly. “But this? My…my mental health? Staying on top of that while also raising a kid…” Connor shakes his head, lips quirking to the side. “What if I couldn’t do it? What if I had days where I…and it all just fell on your shoulders…?”_

_The words leave Evan reeling, robbing the warmth from his insides. Something about the phrasing awakens emotions that are both deeply terrifying and incredibly painful, and Evan feels himself slowly, subconsciously start to retreat from Connor’s tight embrace. He closes his eyes and sees his mother. He sees everything falling on her weary shoulders as she works endless hours to support the two of them. He sees a small and desperately lonely Evan left behind._

_Connor’s eyes go wide at the implication. “Wait, no, fuck, I didn’t mean I’d leave…” He desperately grabs onto Evan’s wrist and pulls it up towards his lips. He kisses it repeatedly, apologetically, as he hurriedly adds, “I would never fucking leave you. I didn’t—I never fucking meant it like that, okay? You know that, right?”_

_Connor starts kissing each knuckle, the light brush of his tender mouth so loving and soothing. And of course Evan already knows that, of course he does, this is all just so new and so scary, and his anxiety always makes his stupid brain jump to the absolute worst conclusions. But of course he already knows that. Of course._

_“I’m not your dad, Evan.” Connor insists, still picking up on Evan’s distance._

_“I know.” Evan nods, and he does know, he does, but he’s still feeling a little closed off._

_“I’m not.” Connor looks flustered now, wondering why his words aren’t connecting._

_“I know, Connor. I know.” Evan tries to give Connor a reassuring smile, but it likely fails, because Connor is growing more and more despondent._

_“I’m such a fucking asshole.” Connor groans, and Evan knows it’s now Connor who’s dealing with an anxious, racing brain. “Please just forget I ever said anything. Can we—can we just do that please? Like, who the fuck brings up babies anyway? Like, right after sex? God, I’m just so fucking weird…”_

_“No, no, you were being sweet, Connor. I loved it.” Evan sighs, hating himself for making this whole thing so damn weird now, when he could’ve just accepted Connor’s happy ramblings and let the whole thing go. “It was just me being, um, being really dumb, as always, obviously. Now, please. Tell me, um, maybe tell me more about the—about the house…?”_

_“Okay, don’t—don’t fucking patronize me.” Connor responds, tersely, and Evan knows he’s just embarrassed now about how vulnerable he was earlier when talking about wanting children, and a house, and a lovely domestic life with Evan._

_But he shouldn’t be embarrassed about that. That was beautiful, and heartfelt, and Evan wants those things too, he truly does, and he wants to have those things with Connor. It’s just so easy to get scared and to get in your own way and to mess things up. Evan has made so much progress over the years with his abandonment issues and his anxiety, but they are still always there, still always lurking in the recesses of his mind, ready to strike whenever things get just a little too beautiful, a little too promising, a little too wonderfully hopeful._

_Evan swallows heavily, noticing the old whispery, white self-harm scars that run up and down Connor’s arms. Evan blinks, a lump tightening in his throat. He sees the two larger, deeper scars that run across the prominent veins on Connor’s wrists. Those were…those were from Connor’s first suicide attempt. Evan hasn’t noticed them in so long. It’s harder to see them now, because Connor had them covered up with tattoos that he designed. There are two large phoenixes on each wrist, rising from the ashes of despair, like something healing and beautiful bursting forth to grow from broken, scorched ground.  
_

_The phoenix on his left wrist has white feathers with blue, green, and purple flames. The one on the right has black feathers with red, orange, and yellow flames. Both have a semicolon for the head and body. Connor told Evan that the semicolon is a symbol of all the times that Connor has wanted to end his life but chose instead to keep writing his unfinished story._

_Evan feels tears surge into his eyes…that hadn’t been Connor’s only attempt, there was also the time he overdosed in the park. And that time he was almost really, really gone, his mom finding him at the last possible moment, the paramedics and doctors working tirelessly around the clock in order to save his life…they later told him his chances of survival were at less than ten percent. And all of the other times, all of the broken, hopeless times after that when Connor has felt suicidal, when he’s felt like giving up, like letting go, like there’s no reason left to hold on and to keep fighting, to keep fighting against that voice inside of his brain that says it’s all pointless and painful and that ultimately it would be better to just give in to the darkness._

_Connor will always have to fight against that little voice, just like Evan still has to fight against it, and yes, somedays the voice is louder and more insistent than others, and somedays the voice is so muted they can barely hear it at all, and somedays they might forget there even is a voice, but no matter what, it’s always there, always there, always there, and so the fact that Connor is even thinking and talking about a future with children, and dogs, and cats, and a home—a home with Evan—well, that’s an absolute miracle, that’s the ten percent chance miracle, that’s not something to be afraid of and to run away from—_

_“Don’t fucking look at them!” Connor snaps, angrily, and now he’s moving away to the edge of the bed, grabbing his own wrist in his hand, defensively. “You know I don’t like you fucking looking!”_

_Evan gives a small start, tears still blurring his vision. Connor’s cheeks have flushed pink, his wrist trembling in his grasp, eyes sharp and accusatory. Evan feels a familiar, knee-jerk rush to defend himself, to vehemently deny that he was doing anything wrong. But he quickly stifles that initial urge, knowing that a reaction like that won’t help the situation at all._

_“Connor…” He begins, firmly, earnestly. “I honestly was only thinking good and loving things about you.” He captures Connor’s wounded gaze before he softly adds, “And we should—we should both calm down before we say anything that’s, um, that’s hurtful.”_

_Connor goes silent, and Evan allows him a moment to get his thoughts and emotions back in order. Connor can have a really sharp tongue when he’s angry, and early on in their relationship that was a heated point of contention. But Evan now knows when he needs to give Connor a minute, and Connor has become self-aware enough to know when he needs to take it. It doesn’t work every time there’s an argument, of course, but it’s helped them both a lot._

_There are several minutes of quiet non-movement, and for a second Evan wonders if Connor just fell asleep. But then, suddenly, Evan feels long fingers reaching over to caress his shoulder. Evan smiles, softly, turning over to snuggle into the touch._

_“Hey…I’m sorry.” Connor whispers, fingers apologetically tracing little patterns across Evan’s warm skin. “I’m sorry. I know you weren’t thinking anything bad. I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m sorry too.” Evan whispers, bringing his hand up to cup Connor’s cheek, to brush away the traces of wetness he finds there. He sucks in a deep, centering breath. “And I’m sorry I hurt you just now. I love you. And I love all of those—all of those wonderful, beautiful things you said about us.”_

_Evan gives a choked laugh, tears now dribbling down his cheeks. “I was just being dumb, obviously, because I want all of those things too. Um, I actually want all those things so much, Connor, and that’s the problem, that’s why I get—why I get so scared of them, you know? But I love that you’re always, um, always the brave one—you talked to me first when we were both so, so alone, and you signed my cast when, uh, when no one else would, and you told me you loved me, when I was—when I was still way too scared of saying those words myself. So please, please, always, always be the brave one, because, because I know it takes me a lot longer, but, um, but you end up—you always end up making me—um, making me really brave too.”_

_Connor sniffles through his smile, tears now dribbling down his face as well. Evan returns the smile, brighter, as he presses on, “And that’s why I love you. That’s why we promised each other that we were never leaving, no matter what. So, yes, yes, I want to have babies someday, and the house, and the, um, the dogs…or cats…or whatever. As long as you’re there too. You there just being, um, just being you and saying—saying the weirdest, weirdest things…”_

_Connor gives a choked laugh, reaching up to grab onto Evan’s hand with his own as he leans into the soft touch, leans into the love._

_“Well, that I can definitely guarantee you.” Connor agrees, giving that crookedly charming grin. He catches Evan’s gaze, and his eyes have that soft, soft look radiating in them, the one that never lets Evan stay mad at him for very long. Evan suspects he knows it too._

_“Good.” Evan breathes out, as their lips meet again, gentle and reaffirming. This right here, right now…Connor cradling Evan in his arms, Connor’s tongue skimming across Evan’s bottom lip, Connor’s soft brown curls tickling Evan’s nose with every exhale, this peace, this safety, this unlikely gift from the universe, this is the miracle, Evan thinks, this is the beautiful, improbable ten percent chance miracle, right here in his fragile arms._


	4. Chapter 4

“My parents are going to want you for all eight nights.” Connor explains, as they walk arm in arm back towards their apartment. Somehow, they got around to discussing Hanukkah plans again. “Don’t tell your mom, but they think they have full custody of you now.”

“She already knows.” Evan grins, sticking out his tongue to catch a falling snowflake. It’s getting dark outside now, the snow coming down like falling stardust from the night sky. It’s getting colder too, but he is snuggled up against Connor’s big, puffy coat, and that helps create some warmth. “My mom’s going to be, um, she’s going to be really happy you’re coming over though. She keeps saying that she wants to spend—spend more time with you.”

“Yeah, I’d like to spend more time with her too.” Connor nods, tilting his head back to watch the stars as they walk. “Although, I’m pretty sure she thinks you’re settling.”

“She most definitely does not think that.” Evan scoffs, wondering where Connor ever got such an idea. “She’s probably amazed I found someone at all, let’s just, um, let’s just be honest.”

Connor laughs, good-naturedly. “Well, my parents definitely think you’re settling then.”

Evan scoffs louder, shaking his head. Connor continues to laugh, pulling Evan in a little closer. He hesitates, noticing that Evan is shivering slightly. “Hey, you cold?”

“Just a little…but it’s okay we’re almost—” Evan’s eyes go wide as Connor takes off his coat, wearing only a grey hoodie underneath. “Um, excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”

“You’re cold.” Connor insists, trying to throw his coat over Evan’s shoulders. Evan tries to resist his attempts, and Connor sighs, pursing his lips together in frustration. “C’mon, Evan, just take it. You’re fucking shivering!”

“Yeah, well, now you’re cold, genius!” Evan huffs, pointing insistently at Connor’s shivering, thin frame. “Okay, honestly, put your coat back on, I’m—I’m serious…”

“No.” Connor throws his coat into Evan’s arms before running at a full sprint down the pathway. Evan gapes at him in disbelief, coat held helplessly in his hands. Why is his boyfriend so dumb? He sighs, before taking off after him. Connor has pretty long legs though, so this is really, really stupid and Evan is very unamused.

Thankfully, however, the only thing Connor hates more than Evan being cold, is jogging. Evan eventually catches up to find him doubled-over with his hands on his knees, gasping for air. Evan rolls his eyes, outstretching his arm to hand Connor the coat back.

“No…” Connor wheezes, pushing his hair back behind his ear. “Fuck you, Evan.”

Evan sighs, long-suffering…he’s gotten good at deciphering when Connor’s ‘fuck you’ really means ‘I love you.’ This is definitely one of those times, “Look, your mom will kill me if I let your skinny ass catch pneumonia or something.”

Connor gives a loud, gasping laugh, as he straightens back up. “Wow, feisty!” He grabs at Evan’s wrist, starts to pull him closer. There’s a teasing, playful look in his eyes now as he murmurs, “Please tell me more about my skinny ass, you know I love when you talk dirty.”

“You are—you are really a dumb person.” Evan insists, trying to keep the smile off of his face, but definitely failing. “Do you know that?”

“Of course.” Connor grins, one hand still tightly gripping Evan’s wrist, the other coming around to guide the coat around Evan’s shoulders. And the coat is obviously for a taller person, the arms much too long. It’s warm though, and it smells like Connor, like the faint scent of his citrusy shampoo, like the warm spices of his cheap cologne. It won’t close over Evan’s other jacket, but it does add a layer of protection from the cold. Connor’s hand falls to the small of Evan’s back, heavy and purposeful. “Now isn’t that better, love?”

Evan shivers at the touch, but not from the cold anymore. “Hmm. You’re obviously not as charming as, um, as you seem to think, obviously.” He grumbles, unconvincingly.

“Fuck you, I’m very charming.” Connor smiles widely, and he’s got that look again, that intense, knowing, goddamn charming look, as he cranes his neck down, soft curls tickling at Evan’s nose…breath so close, so hot, so hungry and demanding. “Dance with me?”

Evan chuckles, softly. “Dance…?”

Connor starts to sway him back and forth to some soft, unknown melody that only exists in his head, hand pressing into the small of Evan’s back, the other hand around Evan’s wrist coming up to hold his hand. “Mmmmm hmmmm. Dance. Like this.”

It’s starting to snow a little harder now, the only light coming from the moon and stars, as they sway back and forth under the night sky. Evan stares deep into Connor’s magic eyes…blue endless skies marked with just a touch of deep mocha. In moments like these, it’s like Connor transports Evan off of the planet entirely. Connor always says he’s just visiting earth, but that he’s prolonged his stay since Evan lives here. And on nights like tonight, when Connor really lets his guard down, when he allows his full, vibrant personality to shine through, well, well it’s like Connor finally takes Evan to the stars with him, finally allows him to see the galaxies and universes and other worlds that only exist in Connor’s brilliant, expansive, sometimes chaotic, always beautiful brain.

_The snowflakes look like tiny, tiny twinkling stars falling all around them, their feet lightly moving across the gathered stardust, Evan’s hands wrapped securely around Connor’s neck…god, and things haven’t always been easy with him, with them. And that hasn’t been Connor or Evan’s fault, that’s just been life, fate dealing them both some shitty cards in the mental health department. He closes his eyes for a moment, remembering a time from only a couple years ago when Connor had locked himself in their shared bedroom, not opening the door for anyone, shouting that his family and Evan were all somehow out to get him._

_That was on a day that Evan had needed the Murphy’s to be there too, Mrs. Murphy on the phone with Connor’s psychiatrist, Mr. Murphy standing with his hands on his wife’s shoulders, Zoe waiting worriedly on the couch, hands covering her face. And Evan just remembers crumbling inside, placing his forehead and hand flesh up against that closed door, heartbreaking for the man trapped on the inside, praying he could somehow still reach him. Evan stayed at that door for hours, forehead and hand still pressed against it, promising he would never leave until it opened again. Evan opens his eyes now, fingers coming up to brush against Connor’s relaxed face, and he knows that he’s going to keep staying by that door, closed or open, for always, for forever. Because tonight, tonight this is them at their most free and open, love and happiness flowing through them as they soar across universes together._

“Evan Hansen…” Connor murmurs, eyes soft and wanting. Evan feels his heart skip a beat, he loves it when Connor says his full name. Their swaying is starting to slow, their gaze locked, their embrace becoming a little tighter, more insistent.

“Connor…Connor Murphy…” Evan smiles, wetting his lips expectantly, feet lifting up onto his tip-toes in order to try and bridge some of their height difference.

“God, Evan, so fucking beautiful…” Connor draws Evan flesh against his chest. There’s that beautiful heartbeat again, loud, steady, loving. He thumbs at Evan’s plump bottom lip, longingly, eyes holding that super-intense fixation. “Now fucking kiss me already?”

“Mmmmm, bossy…” Evan sighs, but he is already moving higher onto his tip-toes, craning his neck upwards as Connor bends down to meet him halfway.

And this kiss…god. It’s super cold out now, and the flurries have increased in intensity, but it doesn’t matter anymore, Evan barely feels any of it. And it’s because of this kiss, honestly, because this kiss is just…well, it’s just wow, Evan thinks.

Connor’s nose is pink and cold as it smooshes into the side of Evan’s face, his warm lips moving demandingly over Evan’s mouth, breath hot and eager. Snowflakes catch on Connor’s long hair, settling in like little white flowers. And his long curls are just everywhere, Evan can feel them brushing past his face, his cheeks, sometimes meshing between their lips, and they are so incredibly soft and smell like that sharp, citrus flavor from his shampoo.

Evan tilts his head to the side, swallowing down the growing intensity, his own nose smooshed flush against Connor’s cheek. His quivering hands come up to thread lovingly through Connor’s dark locks. He slips his tongue into Connor’s mouth, exploring, tasting, gives a soft moan as Connor starts to explore and taste him right back.

Evan feels himself completely melt into Connor’s embrace…he is nowhere near cold now, not with Connor’s lips so delicious and attentive, not as their mouths continue to drink in the warmth of the other, soft keens and desperate pants breaking the otherwise hushed silence.

“Fuck…” Connor groans in-between kisses. His large hands caress up and down Evan’s back, his hips subconsciously moving so that they are pressed flesh against Evan. He sucks on Evan’s bottom lip, worries it between his teeth as he breathes out, “So fucking beautiful…”

Evan feels his heart leap up into his throat, giving a heavy swallow. Connor’s cursing during the heat of things always turns him on more. Evan pulls away from the kiss, lips hungrily moving down Connor’s neck. Connor tilts his head back for better access, and good god, Connor has such a beautiful, elongated throat. Evan desperately suckles at the pulse of the base, hands roughly pulling and twisting into dark curls.

“Fuck!” Connor cries, and Evan feels Connor’s hips give a small jolt against Evan’s body, feels the hardness starting to press against his jeans. “Shit, Evan…”

“Shhhh…” Evan admonishes, breathlessly, Connor’s vocalizations making the blood pool warmly in his stomach and lower regions as well. “You need to be—to be quieter in public.”

“Nobody’s around…” Connor groans in response, head still lolling back, eyes wide and fixated somewhere towards other planets. Just then, his cellphone starts buzzing in his pocket. 

Connor shakes his head, perturbed, head still tipped back in ecstasy as Evan ravages his throat. “Don’t answer it, it’s probably just fucking…mmm, god…fucking Jared again. Shit, you can talk to him…ah, fuck…you can talk to him later…”

“Not my phone…” Evan gasps, moving back up to capture Connor’s trembling lips. He holds his chilled face in his hands, kissing, kissing, kissing every inch of him. “Yours.”

Connor grabs the phone from out of his pocket, and without fully breaking the kiss, checks the name. He gives a small start, wrenching their lips apart quickly. “Fuck, it’s Zoe.”

“Go ahead and see what she needs.” Evan encourages, trying to calm his racing heart. The kiss was getting a little too heated for public anyway. Nobody is around now, sure, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t unsuspectingly show up. Definitely time to just get his man home.

Connor tries to calm his ragged breaths as he swipes to answer it. “Hello?” He breathes out, still sounding a little wrecked, rushing his fingers through his tussled hair. “Yeah, I’m okay. No, I was just running. Umm, yes, I do. I run now. Since when? Since, I don’t know—fucking Tuesday.” Connor gives an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. “Okay, fine, you really want to know? No, you don’t. I’m telling you right now that you don’t. Okay, fine, fine, I was making out with Evan. What? Oh, my fucking god, why are you saying that, I fucking told you that you didn’t want to know, didn’t I? Yeah, that’s your fucking fault, not mine. When are you coming over? Ten minutes?” Connor checks the time on the phone, quickly, before returning to the call. “Yeah, we should be back by then. No, we’re not home yet. Yes, we’re being fucking indecent in public, sorry. Yes, it’s fine to come over still. Umm—yes, we’ll be decent. Whatever, I wasn’t even going to tell you! You’re fucking ridiculous. Mmm hmm. Yeah, okay. Love you too, bye.”

Evan bites back his smile. And the Murphy siblings have their own language, one he can only admire from afar. Evan lovingly rubs at Connor’s back, “Zoe’s stopping over?”

“Yeah, she said she left her mittens last time. Maybe she can stay for dinner too, neither of us have eaten yet.” Connor suggests, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

“Good idea.” Evan nods, taking Connor’s hand into his own as they continue their walk home. 

_Connor and Zoe were really close as kids. They are only one year apart, and they used to do everything together. Then Connor got sick. And the Murphy siblings never talk much about those early days in front of Evan, but Evan knows that Connor’s relationship with Zoe got pretty ugly at one point. Neither of them had the tools nor age-related maturity to even begin to know how to fix it for some time. Connor eventually realized that he was on the brink of losing his sister forever, unless he learned new ways to communicate with her. And so, they made the commitment to each other to fix the relationship. They started going to therapy sessions together and started trying to relearn how to communicate with each other. And they did learn. Slowly, painfully, brutally, beautifully, eventually they learned together._

_It was last Monday that Zoe was over visiting at their apartment. Evan and Zoe were drinking holiday-themed lattes on the couch and going over their shared religious studies homework, when Connor came home from work._

_“Connor, come here, Evan and I are finally learning that mom’s Buddhist phase was actually really fucking inaccurate. It was just like rich white people Buddhism instead.” Zoe laughs, waving him over towards her._

_Connor roughly throws his keys onto the counter and angrily tugs at his ear. Zoe gives a small nod, giving her own ear a slight tug. Connor wordlessly continues to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. The Murphy siblings have now concocted their own non-verbal cues, which Evan thinks is brilliant. He doesn’t know everything, but he knows that the ear tugs mean that Connor loves her, but he needs a little space right now, due to whatever occurred that has put him on edge. Zoe’s tug in response means that she loves him too, and he can come find her whenever he feels up to it again. It avoids him taking out his frustrations on her, it avoids her pushing any buttons that aren’t constructive to push at the moment._

_Zoe and Evan continue their study session, until Connor finally leaves the bedroom, fluffy blanket wrapped around him, only his nose poking out from it._

_“I had a bad day.” He murmurs, flopping down onto the couch next to Zoe. She makes room for him, his overgrown body laying across her lap, despondently._

_Zoe places her hand on his shoulder, giving it a playful shake, “Well, c’mon, tell us about it. Whose ass do I need to kick this time, huh?”_

_“I don’t know, every fucker who came through the doors.” Connor shrugs, bitterly “People were such fucking assholes all day. The closer to fucking Christmas it gets, the worse they become.” Connor sounds a little distressed as he adds, “And I don’t know—I got a little…I got a little too stressed out today, I think, and, and my boss, I think—I think she noticed.”_

_“Everybody gets stressed out at work sometimes.” Evan interjects, helpfully. He climbs up onto the couch from his place on the floor, sitting himself near Connor’s feet. And Connor is wearing his Ruth Bader Ginsburg socks, Evan notes. “I’m sure she didn’t give it much thought.”_

_“Yeah, maybe.” Connor mutters, anxiously._

_“Sounds like you did fine.” Zoe insists, shaking his shoulder again. “Now c’mon, c’mon, we need your help in picking out what to eat for dinner.”_

_“Chinese.” Connor replies, succinctly._

_“Ummm, no. I want pizza.” Zoe decides, pulling out her phone to order food._

_Connor scoffs, incredulously. “Why did you ask my opinion then?”_

_“I don’t know, I thought you’d pick pizza.” Zoe shrugs, typing in the order._

_Connor gives a loud, heartwarming laugh. He peaks his head out from under the blankets, glancing up at her adoringly. “You’re so dumb.”_

_“So are you.” Zoe nods, smiling down at him, eyes filled with matching affection._

“My baby sister!” Connor exclaims playfully, pulling her into a tight bear hug. He gives her a quick kiss on the top of her head. “Haven’t seen you in fucking forever.”

“You saw me Monday.” Zoe rolls her eyes, but she loves it. She then smiles, giving a small wave in Evan’s direction. “Hey, Evan.”

“Hi, Zoe.” Evan nods, warmly. “Did you eat yet? Connor was saying earlier that you should join us for dinner.”

“Sure, I’d love to.” She glances up at Connor, grinning. “Guess what I want?”

“I don’t know, pizza?” Connor shrugs, unlocking the apartment door.

“No, Chinese.” She replies, playfully tapping his arm, as they walk in together.

Connor sighs, heavily. “Why are you the way you are?” 

“Aww, you fucking love it.” Zoe sits herself down on the arm of their couch, crossing her legs. “Hey, mom and dad want to know what days you’re coming over for Hanukkah. Mom said she wants Evan there every night, but I reminded her that he actually has a mom that’s not her.”

“Wow, you really went and broke her fucking heart like that?” Connor chuckles, taking off his beanie cap, his mussed curls spilling everywhere. He flops down on the couch, exhausted.

Zoe inspects him, eyebrows raised. “Evan, why doesn’t my brother have a coat?”

“I, um, I desperately tried.” Evan insists, hanging both of their coats back up on the rack.

“Evan, c’mon!” Zoe admonishes. She shakes her head, looking betrayed. “You’re supposed to be taking care of this dumbass for me whenever I’m not around.”

“Well, he did try.” Connor admits, fairly, giving Evan a quick wink.

“Yes, I honestly did, he’s just, um, it’s just that his ass is very dumb.” Evan sighs, joining them on the couch. “I can only, only do so much, you know.”

Zoe stares at Connor knowingly, shaking her head in silence.

“What?” Connor demands, incredulously. “Why are you looking at me like that? My boyfriend was fucking freezing to death, what the fuck was I supposed to do?”

“You’re right, he’s hopeless.” Zoe agrees, placing her hand to her forehead. “Alright, I’m ordering the Chinese now.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to EVERYONE who has reviewed, read, and left kudos!! I appreciate it so, so, SO much. This story has been really fun to write. Please leave your thoughts below if you like :) THANK YOU AGAIN!!

The three of them eventually settle down on the couch to enjoy their meal together. Somehow, they end up getting stuck watching some weird pre-recorded jazz festival on PBS. 

“They’re really in the pocket right now.” Zoe states, nudging Connor enthusiastically with her shoulder, chopsticks grabbing at a piece of orange chicken.

“Yeah, this combo is pretty fucking awesome.” Connor agrees, before nudging her back, eagerly. He points to the screen, “That lady on the end can really blow.”

 _She can really…huh?_ Evan’s not sure that sounds quite right. He really doesn’t have a clue as to what is going on or what the hell either of them are talking about. This song has also been going on for at least eight minutes and there’s still no end in sight. “This is, um, this is pretty cool and all, definitely, but, uh, but maybe something else is on…?”

“Don’t even think about it!” Connor and Zoe exclaim at the exact same time, the exact same arm outstretched insistently.

“Alright, alright, fine.” Evan drops the remote, before settling back down and snuggling up against the shoulder of Connor’s soft, fluffy hoodie. “Jeez.”

“Wow.” Zoe shakes her head, popping another piece of chicken into her mouth. “I cannot even believe you wanted to change the channel just now. In the middle of this masterpiece.”

“Right? See what I have to put up with?” Connor deadpans.

“Yeah, I can really understand the struggle now.” Zoe agrees, sympathetically.

Evan rolls his eyes. He doesn’t quite get it, but whenever the Murphy siblings are under the same roof, concessions have to be made. Ever since the two of them have decided that their powers of sarcasm are better combined, they are a bit of a handful whenever together.

Evan snuggles against Connor’s shoulder. He breathes in the scent of Connor’s hair again, the shampoo, the cologne. It used to smell like weed too when they were kids. It hasn’t smelled like that for a bit though. Connor is still very pro-legalization of marijuana, but he felt like he had become a bit too dependent on it. So, he made the choice himself to cut back a lot.

“Wait, wait, wait…pause. Alana’s FaceTiming me.” Connor says, answering the call. He gives her that easy, charming grin of his and a quick wave. “Hey, it’s my favorite girl.” Zoe gives him a light, playful punch in the arm, and he amends his statement quickly, “My favorite girl who is not my little sister.” He shoots Zoe a quick, playful wink.

“Better.” Zoe mouths, teasingly.

“Connor, my love!” Alana exclaims, her energetic enthusiasm bursting forth from every word. “Oh wow. Look at you! Just look at you!”

“Look at me.” Connor shrugs, a little shyly. He then chuckles a little, uncertainly, “Is…is this a good thing, I hope?”

“Yes, of course! You just…you just look so radiant and…and happy and healthy.” Alana enthuses, leaning her chin on her hand. “It’s very inspiring, this close to finishing finals.”

And Alana sometimes says very strange things too. She might also have an alien brain of her own, which of course, is what makes her and Connor’s friendship so perfect.

“Oh. Well, thank you. You know, things have been in a good place lately.” Connor agrees, simply. And hearing Connor actually say those words out loud is like a shot of pure sunshine straight into Evan’s heart. Connor clears his throat, and adds, “And you—I mean, look at you. You look absolutely stunning, as always.”

“Oh, thank you. I know, I just got my nails done.” Alana explains, holding up the fresh purple manicure to the camera. “It’s the little things in the midst of all the stress, you know?”

“Umm, please, who’re you talking to?” Connor nods, holding up his own fresh paint job.

“Ahhhhh! I love it!” Alana places her hand up against her cheek. “Twins!”

They laugh for a moment together, before Alana gives a small shake of her head. “Okay, well, tell me how it went with Evan today.” She insists, eagerly. “Was it super romantic?”

“Oh yeah, I’m totally getting laid tonight.” Connor jokes, which causes Alana to burst out laughing, Evan to blush, and Zoe to throw a pillow at Connor’s head. Connor turns to Zoe as if she is behaving ridiculously. “What? I am trying to have fucking girl-talk with my friend.”

“I do not need nor wish to hear about any of that.” Zoe retorts, before pushing herself under Connor’s arm so that she can also see the phone screen. He pulls her in, hand laying relaxed over her shoulder. Zoe peeks her head into the frame of the screen. “Hey, Alana!”

“Hi, Zoe!” Alana beams. Connor turns the phone around the room so that Alana can see everyone who is present. “Oh…hi, Evan! I didn’t know that you all were together right now. I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I can always call back later.”

“No, no, you’re fine.” Connor insists, giving her a warm smile. “No, seriously, thank you for suggesting that I take Evan ice skating, when I was looking for good date ideas. He, uh, he really loved it, we had a lot of fun.”

_And Connor and Alana have been exchanging a lot of relationship advice lately. Evan doesn’t quite know how he feels about that. Connor always says that Alana is his friend and her relationship advice also benefits Evan. Evan asks if that means he can now start swapping relationship advice with Jared. Connor replies that what Evan just said was nowhere near in the same realm of sanity or usefulness._

“I did. It was, um, it was my very first time ever ice skating too.” Evan explains, although he knows Alana cannot see him from where he is sitting. “But it was, it was a lot of fun.”

Zoe turns to Connor and whispers, “Ice skating? You ice skate?”

He turns the phone screen away and whispers back, “Shush!”

“Oh, good.” Alana enthuses. She pushes some of her beautiful dark braids behind her ear. “Connor, we need to meet up soon. We have a lot of catching up to do after finals.”

“Yeah, you mean, like about you and Zarita.” Connor gives her knowing smile. “Yeah, yeah, I saw the Instagram pictures. You two are looking real cozy.”

Alana shyly fixes her glasses and nods her head. “Yes, yes, we have a lot to talk about. But…yes. Things have been…things have been really…well, nice in that department lately.”

“And?” Connor presses, eagerly.

“And?” Alana asks, shrugging.

“And I need more details!” Connor insists, crooked grin working its way across his face. “What’s her major? Is she a genius too? Where does she live? Is she a good Jewish girl?”

“Oh my god.” Alana laughs, rolling her eyes.

“Are you getting laid tonight?” 

“Oh my god, Connor. Honestly.” Alana lifts her glasses to wipe at her eyes. “Alright, you win. So, Zarita is a gender studies major. She’s also a feminist activist—I mean, honestly, like we all should be…”

“Absolutely.” Connor agrees, seriously.

“And she not only does community activism in her free time, but she also volunteers at the homeless shelter downtown—that’s actually where we met.” Alana smiles, giving a nonchalant shrug. “I know, I know, impressive, right?”

“Ooh, yeah. I like her already.” Connor nods, excitedly.

“So, yes, she most certainly is a genius too. Um, let’s see, she’s originally from Washington Heights in New York City. And…and what was the other question?”

“Only the most important one.” Connor teases, rolling his eyes. He takes on a bit of a Yiddish accent as he asks, “Is she a good Jewish girl?”

“Oh. Right. Well…no. But nothing’s ever perfect right?” Alana gives a small shrug. “She’s a good Catholic girl though. And she respects my Judaism.”

“Fair enough, fair enough.” Connor relents. “My mom would be verklempt if I didn’t end up with a good Jewish boy, so I had to nab this one.” He explains jerking his thumb over at Evan. “But as long as you respect each other, that’s really what’s fucking important.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Alana agrees, contentedly. “So. Yeah. It’s nice. It’s—it’s very nice.”

“Aww, Alana, that honestly makes me so fucking happy to hear.” Connor gives her a soft smile, other hand pressed to his heart for emphasis. “You deserve only the fucking best, love.”

“Well, so do you.” Alana insists, beaming at him. “You know, I saw the Instagram photo Evan posted the other day—the one where he’s cooking and you’re leaning over his shoulder and kissing his cheek. Just—oh my god—instant like! It was just adorable.”

“You posted that to Instagram?” Connor asks, raising his eyebrows at Evan.

“I tagged you.” Evan shrugged. Zoe told Evan he should post more to social media, so he was tentatively giving it a try here and there. “I don’t post very often.”

“No, that’s fine. Did anyone like it?”

“Yeah, a few people did. Jared posted a barf emoji but then a kissy face emoji, so I think he liked it too.” Evan explains, hurriedly.

“Don’t worry, it was very cute.” Alana reassures him. 

“Well, that makes sense, because Evan is very fucking cute.” Connor teases, as he leans over to kiss Evan on the top of his head. Evan glances up at him disapprovingly and Connor gives a soft laugh as he pecks Evan quickly on the lips. He then turns his attention back towards Alana, “So, you’re going to be back in town for Hanukkah?”

“Yes, I am!” Alana replies, giving an excited little bounce.

“Perfect, that means you and I are doing brunch together, for sure.” Connor responds, animatedly. “With martinis. Well, virgin martinis for me, because, you know…” Connor gives a playful little shrug. “I’ve still gotta take my crazy pills.”

“Connor.” Alana exclaims, raising her eyebrows worriedly at him. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Connor blinks, a little taken aback by Alana’s concern. “Oh, no, no, I’m okay, that was just supposed to be some self-depreciating humor.” He quirks his lips to the side, a little awkward. “It’s—it’s a coping mechanism. Like…probably a bad one.”

“Oh.” Alana replies, sheepishly. “Oh. Sorry. I made it awkward.”

Sometimes Alana has a little difficulty catching on to the emotional cues or intent of others. That often makes it difficult for her to make connections, but it’s another reason why she and Connor became such good friends. He has a really hard time connecting too, and so they understand each other perfectly in that way as well.

“No, you’re fine. Connor just isn’t very funny.” Zoe interjects, lightening the mood. “And he always makes things awkward.”

“This is very true.” Connor laughs, squeezing Zoe underneath his arm. He gives an apologetic nod to Alana. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to have better jokes. And coping mechanisms.”

Alana laughs, warmly. “Oh, my goodness, you’re fine, Connor.” She gives another firm nod. “We will definitely, definitely do brunch. And Zarita is actually going to be coming with me for the trip, so maybe we can also meet up with you and Evan sometime, if that works.”

“Yes, you should come with us to the Kleinmans!” Connor exclaims, enthusiastically. “Perfect.” He turns to Evan, triumphantly. “Now I have someone to commiserate with.”

“Aww, that would be great. I like Jared.” Alana replies, genuinely.

Connor purses his lips together, his look of triumph quickly falling. “Okay, am I missing something here? Like, is he a raging douchebag only when I’m around?”

“So maybe it’s you.” Evan shrugs, dodging the pillow that Connor lightly tosses at him. Evan chuckles, before poking his head in so that Alana can see him. “I will check with Mrs. K. But I’m sure that they’ll be happy to have you.”

“Fuck that.” Connor retorts, quickly. “After Jared wants me there just to be your extra queer plus one? Guy fucking owes me. Alana is already invited.”

“Fine.” Evan sighs. Connor can be such a handful sometimes. “Alana, you’re invited.”

“Awww, thank you!” Alana enthuses, beaming from ear to ear. She gives a small, happy shrug. “Well, I should really be getting back. I have to finish my final paper on the historic exclusion of black women from feminist spaces, and how we’ve had to create our own.”

“Damn, Alana. Always killing it.” Connor compliments her, smiling brightly. “We’ve come a long way from having to write about old Fuckleberry, huh?”

Alana laughs, appreciatively. “Thank god.”

“Okay, love, I will talk to you later.” Connor says, blowing her a kiss and waving goodbye. “Thank you again for your help in planning my date with Evan.”

“Anytime, my dear.” Alana blows him a kiss back. “Bye, Zoe! Bye, Evan!”

“Bye, Alana!” Evan and Zoe reply, leaning into the screen frame and waving vigorously.

“She’s such a sweet girl.” Connor smiles gently, as he ends the phone call. “I really love her.” He glances down at Zoe, snuggled up under his arm, and gets a mischievous grin. “Awww, don’t be all jealous. I love you and our girl-talk too!”

He starts tickling her under her arm and she starts flailing wildly, trying to protect herself with playfully slapping hands. “What the fuck! Evan! Save me!”

Evan throws her a pillow to distract Connor and allow Zoe time to wriggle away. She grabs the pillow and smacks Connor with it, face screwed up with pretend indignation. 

“Alright, you are way too fucking feisty for someone who is five six.” Connor sighs, scooping her up into his arms and, ignoring her protestations, throws her over his shoulder. He stands up to his full height, ignoring her flailing legs, as he turns to Evan. “Evan, have you seen Zoe? I don’t—I have no fucking clue where she went.”

“Put me down!” Zoe insists, but she is fighting to get the words out from in-between her peals of laughter. “Connor!”

“Evan, do you—do you fucking hear something?” Connor asks, cluelessly.

“Asshole.” Zoe exclaims, but she is dying from laughter. Connor is laughing now too, eyes squinting and nose scrunched up, as he places her back down onto her feet. They pull each other into a hug and Connor kisses her on the top of her head.

Evan looks back and forth between the two of them, smiling inwardly. He loves the Murphy siblings. And he loves the Murphy siblings being Murphy siblings.

After dinner, Connor passes out on the couch, obviously exhausted from all the skating and walking and jogging. He needs to get more physical exercise into his regular routine, Evan thinks, smiling to himself. Nonetheless, Evan and Zoe decide to let him get some sleep, instead quietly washing their dishes together in the kitchen.

“So, how was your end of semester?” Evan asks, washcloth running repeatedly over his plate. “Everything wrap up nicely?”

Zoe nods, thoughtfully, still closely watching Connor peacefully sleeping on the couch. Evan can tell that her thoughts are elsewhere right now. He watches as she gives a small shake of her head, as if clearing it, before turning back to face Evan. “Sometimes…sometimes it doesn’t really feel like we’re all here right now, you know?”

Evan pauses, knowingly. “You two have, um, have been through a lot, I know.”

“You’ve done a lot for him.” Zoe replies, softly. She works at a grease spot on her plate, brows furrowed, pensively. “I don’t think it gets better, like this, without you here.”

“Oh, I don’t know…” Evan shrugs, uncertainly.

“No, I do know.” Zoe smiles at him, bright, beautiful green eyes a little faraway and glassy. “I missed him for so, so long, and…” She gives a soft sigh, pushing long brown hair behind her ear. “…and having him again, I just…”

Evan clears his throat, feeling a little bit emotional himself. He gives a small smile, placing the plate back onto the rack. “He talks about you all the time, you know. He’s really proud of you, of your music. My music syncs with his music sometimes on the, um, on the Bluetooth, and—and he’s made like, a playlist, or something of the stuff you wrote…”

“Really?” Zoe beams, putting her dish away as well. “That’s sweet. He’s…unbelievably sweet sometimes.” She purses her lips together, filled with memories. “I know you never really knew him, um, you know, before things happened, but he was, like, a total sweetheart, all the time. I used to miss that guy a lot, that sweet, gentle guy. It honestly felt like he died sometimes, like he was replaced by someone that I didn’t even recognize.” Zoe shakes her head, palm coming up to quickly swipe at her eyes. “Wow, this is dumb, why am I crying?”

Evan reaches out a hand and places it on her shoulder, comfortingly. “Hey, it’s alright. I, um, I definitely get it.”

Zoe nods, running her fingers through long, dark hair, before pressing forward, “Yeah, well, that sweet guy…it turns out he was always there, he was just…just going through some shit at the time. I mean, so was I, in hindsight. And now it’s like I have him back, you know, and it’s different, like, he’s not exactly the same, of course. But I’m different too. I guess we all are after we grow up some and come out on the other side, you know?” She gives a shy smile, soft face glowing as she murmurs, “I just…I just never stop appreciating what we have now, and I really am grateful for your part in that. Whatever you think that might be, but I just need you to know.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you guys did most of the work.” Evan insists, firmly. “But I am grateful too…I’m grateful that I’m here now to, um, to know you both now, like this.” 

Zoe nods, appreciatively, pulling Evan into a warm and affectionate hug. He closes his eyes, leaning his chin on her shoulder, arms coming up to hug her back. And Zoe is such a tough, resilient person. Evan really admires her a lot for that. And yeah, he’s just really, really grateful that he has both Murphy siblings in his life now.

“Well, I better get going.” Zoe chuckles, finally pulling away. She swipes at her eyes again, clearing her throat. “I guess I should also say goodbye to our favorite dumbass, huh?”

Evan smiles and nods, before turning to gather Zoe’s coat, scarf, and mittens for her. When he comes back, he stops at the kitchen doorframe, watching closely as Zoe gives Connor a soft nudge in order to wake him up.

“Mmmmm…?” Connor murmurs, bleary-eyed, as he slowly pushes himself up onto his elbows. “You—you leaving now?”

“Yeah, just wanted to say goodbye.” She leans down and kisses the top of his head, grabs his hand in hers and gives it a small squeeze. “I’ll see you at mom and dad’s, okay?”

“Mmm, okay.” Connor squeezes her hand back, lovingly. “Be safe.”

“You too.” She releases his hand, and gives him one last look, hands clasped together in front of her. She smiles down at him, softly. “Hey. I love you, Connor.”

"Love you too.” He yawns, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

Zoe walks back over to Evan and starts putting on her coat. “Take good care of him for me, right?” She pulls on her mittens, adding thoughtfully, “I know he had a tough week.”

Evan hesitates, surprised. Connor…Connor had a tough week? Evan shakes his head, feeling a little lost. Connor had a tough week? 

“I’m, I’m sorry, but…but what do you mean?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Zoe asks, a little worriedly. 

Evan feels a wave of heightened anxiety rise up in his chest. Connor had a tough week? What the hell was Evan doing that he didn’t even notice? “Oh…right. No, yeah, um, I’ll take good care of him, obviously.” And the words leave his mouth before he can stop them. Shit, he’s really messing up a lot this week.

“I know.” Zoe smiles, squeezing Evan’s arm before she turns to leave. “Night, Evan.”

Evan shuts the door behind her and locks it. He turns back around to see Connor still sleepily lying on the couch. He takes in a deep breath. Connor had a tough week and he didn’t tell Evan. Why didn’t he tell Evan? Was it because Evan has been such an emotional wreck? Nothing Evan was worried about was anywhere near as important as Connor. This is why Evan is so damn stupid. He gets in his own way. He always gets in his own way, he missed taking care of Connor because he was so wrapped up in his own stupid head and his own stupid problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing the scene with Zoe and Evan when she talks about her relationship with Connor. They have such a complicated relationship when we meet them in the play, and I wanted to see what a relationship could look like between them if they had time and the proper tools for healing. Sniff, sniff. I love the Murphy siblings!


End file.
